The first ten years of my ministry as a Church Army Officer was in two parishes between 1986 and 1996. The first was at the Church of the Holy Cross, Marsh Farm, Luton. The second parish I served in was St Mary Magdalene in Prudhoe, in Northumberland.
During those ten years I conducted hundreds of funerals of
every shape and stripe.
(I went on to take up a post as a Deanery Evangelist, then
Diocesan Evangelist in various Dioceses around the country. Hence my ministry
was that of an itinerant and thus conducting funerals did not feature very
often)
During those first ten years of conducting funerals, I began
to see a distinct shift. There was an increased call for something more
bespoke. And with the increased development of technology a call for a piece of
music or a song that was important to the deceased. This did cause some issues,
less so these days, although there may still may be ‘some music’ deemed inappropriate.
The other aspect that increased in popularity was the eulogy.
I can rarely recall any family member themselves offering a eulogy in the earlier part of my ministry The role of saying something about the deceased
was the role of the Minister with information drawn from the family. And on that I heard of a great use of A1 technology
recently. One priest said that on
visiting the family to arrange a funeral she asks if she may record the
conversation on her phone. The phone is placed on the table or somewhere where
it can pick up that conversation. This leaves her to be able to listen well
without having to worry about note taking. Later, she can take that recording
and ask AI to highlight key words or phrases, like the word, generous’ was used
several times. Personally, I really like this idea.
I attended a funeral last Thursday, hence this 'reflection.' It was the funeral of a
lovely man from St Oswald’s, who was two years younger than me! The tributes
and the eulogies were beautiful, speaking of true gentleman who had married the
love of his life, had a gorgeous family and had a deep faith practically
expressed. On the day before he died, which was very sudden and unexpected, he was clearing up leaves
outside the Church.
Hearing these wonderful tributes I did wonder if he had heard them before. I did wonder if we ought not to have a eulogy before someone’s funeral. As a friend of mine remarks, ‘send me flowers when I can sniff, not when I’m stiff.’
And this time of year, as we approach Christmass it is if we
get a deep sense of how things should be. How we should be kinder to each other.
The ‘Christmass Truce’ in the trenches in 1914, gives an indication, that we know instinctively
that we should not be killing other humans.
Maybe we should take an opportunity to say some of those
words we might say at someone’s funeral before the funeral!
And here is another, perhaps somewhat sobering thought, but
one worth considering. What legacy would you like to leave behind. What would
you like people to be saying about you at your funeral by way of a eulogy. What
would you like your epitaph to be?
The one thing I can tell you for certain with a good number
of funerals that I conducted, is that the person died whilst in the midst of life.
I know this from personal experience. As a six-year-old my father was killed in
a road traffic accident aged 34. He ‘thought’ he was going to be greeting his
wife (our mum) after she had been in hospital when he returned from a quick
trip on his motorbike to see his own mum. I can
tell you of a man who was being ‘encouraged’ to retire from his business. He eventually
did and arranged a special cruise for him and his wife. He never got to go on
that cruise. This type of thing happens every
day.
And as we make our preperations for Christmass it is good to remember those for whom Christmass
will bring a sharp pain because of the loss of a loved one. There are an
increasing number of very helpful resource available to help Churches offer a ‘Blue
Christmass Service.’ Or, as one Church I knew in Sussex, they had a
Christmass tree at the back of the Church and people were invited to write on a
silver star the name of a loved one they were missing. This was all done very quietly,
as the weeks went by the tree carrying its precious memories grew with stars and
names. It had no other decorations. It brought into the midst of the
celebrations all those whom we carry in our hearts but no longer see.
I visited my stepfather shortly before he died when he was in
the hospital. Now, our family wasn’t of the huggy kissy type. Emotions were not
to be put on public display. A part of our culture not too many years ago. As I
prepared to leave for what I knew would probably be the last time I would see
him, I hugged him and told him that I loved him. He smiled and said, ‘do you,’
looking rather pleasingly perplexed. Yes, I replied, I do love you. Those were
my last words to him.
‘…Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what
is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at
peace with everyone.’ Romans 12.17-18
And if you are travelling along a dark and difficult path right now, allow this song to minister to your soul and lean upon Jesus, he's in the boat, and if he is in the boat, it won't go down no matter what storm is breaking about your head.!
https://youtu.be/DJdd5OXZNZE?si=5Ggv-_Fe2jMCTmup
